AH - Movie Critic Extraordinaire

I don't see many movies. Why? Well it's a combination of things. And I suppose that that earlier statement should be amended to say "I don't see many GOOD movies" (there, happy Eddie??). I have seen movies like "13 Going on 30" about a zillion times. And "B" horror movies, oh swoon. But I don't go to the theater much and I don't EVER rent movies and I can't be bothered to watch the satellite guide to plan what I want to watch on HBO. So, I don't see many movies. But this weekend I was determined to see some Oscar nominated flicks and to relax and stay in from the cold. While I am nowhere near the movie buff that Artful is - or Eddie, he likes movies too - here are my thoughts on The Reader, Benjamin Button, and My Best Friend's Girl (hey, they can't all be good, but which one was the best?!?!?! oooooh the suspense). Oh, I will probably have some ***SPOILERS*** so if you are at all angered by them, um, read this post another time. Or never. Whichever.

The Reader -
Damn Kate Winslet. I have seen you naked a lot. Like, really a lot. And you still have a bangin' body. I am kind of jealous. Fine. Really freaking jealous. Oh, to the task at hand. Um, underage sex plus concentration camps. Interesting mix, no? No, not really. I mean yeah, the characters were compelling and well acted and Ralph Fiennes is soooooo gorgeous but the movie is pretty much a soul-suck, and not in a "wow I learned something" way but in a "everyone dies alone and sad" kind of way. And? At the big trial? (OK really big spoiler here. Don't say I didn't warn you!!!) The judge asks the woman testifying "how many people died that night?" and she says "All of them." OK . . . but YOU were there and YOU are now HERE so clearly not ALL OF THEM died! And how did you live??? Where are the follow-up questions?!?!?! Hmph. After the movie my friend told me I am never allowed to pick the movie again. Never. Deservedly so. We should have seen "the wrestler" - I mean it's Mickey Rourke Playing mickey Rourke - if nothing else that's entertainment gold.

My Best Friend's Girl -
After a delicious Italian dinner, this movie was on tap. Not my choice. Dane Cook is a moron and Kate Hudson and Jason Biggs play the same people in every movie they are ever in. So yeah, I was glad I was a half a bottle of wine in. But a friend of a friend wrote the movie, so I agreed to give it a shot. And??? Fucking hilarious. No, really. I wanted so much to not like this movie. Like, a lot. Like I wanted to not like it as much as I have seen Kate Winslet naked in movies. So, a lot. It's a goofball comedy that was marketed really poorly as a rom-com. If you need a mindless night, just rent this. I promise.

Benjamin Button -
To be fair, I was sitting next to the most annoying girl in the world at this movie. She was SO DUMB. Bawling for the final 25 minutes of the movie, she said through her tears and snot at the end "I didn't know that was Cate Blanchett!!!" She also was mildly offended when I turned to my movie-watching companion and said, "That was awful. We should have seen the Wrestler - again. Dane Cook was better than that movie." Seriously. if you are really jonesing for another "Forrest Gump" but with even WORSE Southern accents (fricking terrible), then yeah, go waste 3 hours at this. If this wins any awards it will merely serve to reaffirm my belief that people are incredibly stupid. My buddy said, "I didn't think that was an hour too long" to which I responded, "You're right, it was 3 hours too long." Ugh.

See? I'll bet you didn't think My Best Friend's Girl would be the best movie I saw all weekend. But it was. Don't say I didn't warn you. And now you know why I don't go to the movies.

#36

Today is the 36th anniversary of the decision of the now famous (infamous?) case, Roe v. Wade. For the first time in 8 years, this date carries with it the promise of a President who is committed to taking real steps toward reducing the need for abortions in this country while at the same time recognizing the importance of safe, legal abortion availability. Banning abortion, making abortion procedures more difficult to obtain, and shaming the millions of women who have abortions every year are all "solutions" that do nothing to address the root problem. My hope on this anniversary is that our new administration takes meaningful steps to reduce the number of unintended pregnancies by:
* improving access to healthcare for all women
* making birth control more affordable
* improving sex education in schools so that it covers not only abstinence, but also contraception (and so that it does not ignore the presence of students who do not fit the heteronormative standard)
* rolling back the Global Gag Rule so that women around the world get accurate information about their full range of reproductive options and can make informed decisions regarding their own health
* repealing the Hyde Amendment!
* getting rid of the ridiculous new HHS "conscience clause"
* increasing funding for programs that help young, poor women become more independent and better mothers (by accessing childcare, education, and mentors)

Take the time today to thank a reproductive healthcare provider, or volunteer your time, or make a donation to your favorite reproductive health organization (even with a pro-choice President, they still need help providing affordable healthcare!). And cross your fingers - maybe some of the above will happen TODAY!

Stolen Lines #1 . . .

"I tried to think of the right answer. Unable to think of that, I spoke anyway."

"Kryptonite?"

*heads turn*

"You think that the letter K on the periodic table stands for 'Kryptonite' Miss Hottie?"

"Erm, yes?"

"Anyone ELSE care to offer a guess?"

*other hands raise quickly*

I fucking hated middle school.

Prime Numbers . . . or Viktor's First Appearance

I have been absolutely ridiculously bored lately - but without any motivation to remedy the situation. And today was a crummy day. My wisdom teeth are coming in, so I went to the dentist to figure out the course of action, and we are waiting for them to grow in, then pulling them out. Something in that plan seems fundamentally wrong, but who am I to argue? So here I am, bored, teething (it hurts!), and frustrated that I haven't been home for Thanksgiving in 6 years. What do I do? Duh, order a disgusting amount of sushi and drink a bottle of white wine (c'mon, you knew it was coming).

AH: I should have another glass of wine, right?
Viktor: That depends, how many have you had?
AH: 2.5
AH: Fine, that's a lie. 3.
Viktor: Well you can't end your drinking with a prime number! Have at it!

It's rather remarkably easy to see why we are friends . . .

The Liver Chronicles*

On a particularly hungover evening, while riding home from a Hawks game with Artful, Eddie, and Scuba Steve, the following conversation transpired:

AH: Ugh. I think my liver has simply given up.
Liver: You think so, asshole??? Maybe it's because you routinely abuse me with your Colorado football games and your RockBand plus white wine drinking extravaganzas.
AH: Um, is that my liver actually telling me it hates me??
Liver: Yes bitch. I hate you. Why don't you poison me again and see what happens?
AH: Okay but isn't it sort of your JOB to help me out here? Isn't this pretty much your function?
Liver: Is that all I am to you? An organ that should just do its job?
AH: Well, yes.
Liver: That's it. Enjoy your next hangover whoreface. I will make sure there is no college football on and that you are trapped with a televangelist and his grinning idiot wife. And no cheeseburgers. Or else.
Kidneys: Yes, beetch, you are screwed. All that cerveza makes us angrrry.
AH: Wait, what? Now you guys are joining in? And why do you sound like you are from Mexico??
Kidneys: That iz none of your concern.
Liver: Stop mocking them and have another martini, why don't you. See what happens. I dare you.

I'm more than a little worried.

* inspired by Grace and a conversation with Eddie and the Artful Blogger

I Think I Need Another Hobby . . . Or Two.

The following occurred on GCHat on a rainy and depressing Chicago afternoon. I was sitting at home, watching yet another Law & Order marathon. Eddie saw my away message and apparently joined in the marathon-watching fun over at his place.

Eddie: did you ever see the movie Broken Flowers?
AnonymousHottie: is that like Flowers for Algernon?
Eddie: hahahaa, yeah kinda. the young girl in this L&O was in that movie
AH: she was also in a lifetime movie about slutty teens that all got syphilis
and
I think
another episode of L&O SVU in which she was trafficked to Czech Republic
I think
Eddie: (after checking IMDB) yup
AH: (hoping Eddie knows that because he checked IMDB and not because he watches as much television as I do) wow. I watch way too much daytime tv
Eddie: you do
and lifetime movies
She's Too Young?
AH: sounds about right
Eddie: sounds awesomely AH

OK but this is certainly not the first time I knew the other roles played by minor L&O characters within about 5 seconds of seeing them onscreen (think back to the first time Casey Novak ever appeared, when she played a stock broker accused of raping a male stripper. Then she changed names from Sydney Green to Casey Novak and became an attorney. WHY DO I KNOW THIS???). Or the time I was in my bathroom putting on make-up and I heard the opening sequence of an episode and knew immediately exactly which creepy-ass episode it was. That is serious skill!!!

If I could only harness this talent in some sort of useful manner, I think I might take over the world. Or at least win "America's Dumbest Talent Competition" thus earning myself a trip to space camp and a life supply of Bertoli frozen pasta dinners. Neat.

** HAHAHAHAHA I had to add that upon further investigation, I discovered the tagline for the movie "She's Too Young" is "To fit in, you've gotta put out." And as for memorable quotes? The studly/slutty male in question in the move says: Stick em all, because chances are I have.
Why did I ever consider giving up on daytime tv??? Back to the couch.

But I Don't *Want* a Pink Jersey!*

So being a Blackhawks fan is going well so far. The games are fun, the boys are playing well together, and I enjoy a weekly excuse to eat junk food. But there's a problem. Not an earth-shattering problem, but still, something that just flat-out pisses me off. I can't buy a Blackhawks sweater. The cool one with stripes and the old school logo. I mean, I can. I can buy one. But not one that fits. Because the only shirts or sweaters made for women are pink. Or have sparkles. Or are pink WITH sparkles. Barf.

Let's go over this, shall we? I am sure there are some women who like pink, and who want pink jerseys and hats and temporary tattoos and whatever else. BUT NOT ALL OF US DO! Just being female does not mean I like pink, or sparkles. And you know what? I do like sparkles. But not on my hockey jerseys! Is this really too much to ask of the team I support at every home game and watch on television? Just for them to get Reebok to manufacture women's sized jerseys and sweaters? I don't think so. I am sick of having to buy large or extra-large kids merchandise so that I don't have to wear pink. I refuse to spend scads of money on a men's sweater that will just look ridiculous on me. So here's a solution: recognize your loyal female fans. Make apparel for them that is comparable to the apparel you make for men, only make it in sizes we can wear. You know what that gets you? Happy season ticket holders who spend LOTS of money at the team store. And more women who wear their Blackhawks gear out in public because it actually FITS. And me to stop ranting. See? It's a win-win-win.

*I do, however, really like pink cupcakes. And pink champagne.

Oh, and go vote. Now that my rant is over, I am off to the polls!