Prime Numbers . . . or Viktor's First Appearance

I have been absolutely ridiculously bored lately - but without any motivation to remedy the situation. And today was a crummy day. My wisdom teeth are coming in, so I went to the dentist to figure out the course of action, and we are waiting for them to grow in, then pulling them out. Something in that plan seems fundamentally wrong, but who am I to argue? So here I am, bored, teething (it hurts!), and frustrated that I haven't been home for Thanksgiving in 6 years. What do I do? Duh, order a disgusting amount of sushi and drink a bottle of white wine (c'mon, you knew it was coming).

AH: I should have another glass of wine, right?
Viktor: That depends, how many have you had?
AH: 2.5
AH: Fine, that's a lie. 3.
Viktor: Well you can't end your drinking with a prime number! Have at it!

It's rather remarkably easy to see why we are friends . . .

The Liver Chronicles*

On a particularly hungover evening, while riding home from a Hawks game with Artful, Eddie, and Scuba Steve, the following conversation transpired:

AH: Ugh. I think my liver has simply given up.
Liver: You think so, asshole??? Maybe it's because you routinely abuse me with your Colorado football games and your RockBand plus white wine drinking extravaganzas.
AH: Um, is that my liver actually telling me it hates me??
Liver: Yes bitch. I hate you. Why don't you poison me again and see what happens?
AH: Okay but isn't it sort of your JOB to help me out here? Isn't this pretty much your function?
Liver: Is that all I am to you? An organ that should just do its job?
AH: Well, yes.
Liver: That's it. Enjoy your next hangover whoreface. I will make sure there is no college football on and that you are trapped with a televangelist and his grinning idiot wife. And no cheeseburgers. Or else.
Kidneys: Yes, beetch, you are screwed. All that cerveza makes us angrrry.
AH: Wait, what? Now you guys are joining in? And why do you sound like you are from Mexico??
Kidneys: That iz none of your concern.
Liver: Stop mocking them and have another martini, why don't you. See what happens. I dare you.

I'm more than a little worried.

* inspired by Grace and a conversation with Eddie and the Artful Blogger

I Think I Need Another Hobby . . . Or Two.

The following occurred on GCHat on a rainy and depressing Chicago afternoon. I was sitting at home, watching yet another Law & Order marathon. Eddie saw my away message and apparently joined in the marathon-watching fun over at his place.

Eddie: did you ever see the movie Broken Flowers?
AnonymousHottie: is that like Flowers for Algernon?
Eddie: hahahaa, yeah kinda. the young girl in this L&O was in that movie
AH: she was also in a lifetime movie about slutty teens that all got syphilis
and
I think
another episode of L&O SVU in which she was trafficked to Czech Republic
I think
Eddie: (after checking IMDB) yup
AH: (hoping Eddie knows that because he checked IMDB and not because he watches as much television as I do) wow. I watch way too much daytime tv
Eddie: you do
and lifetime movies
She's Too Young?
AH: sounds about right
Eddie: sounds awesomely AH

OK but this is certainly not the first time I knew the other roles played by minor L&O characters within about 5 seconds of seeing them onscreen (think back to the first time Casey Novak ever appeared, when she played a stock broker accused of raping a male stripper. Then she changed names from Sydney Green to Casey Novak and became an attorney. WHY DO I KNOW THIS???). Or the time I was in my bathroom putting on make-up and I heard the opening sequence of an episode and knew immediately exactly which creepy-ass episode it was. That is serious skill!!!

If I could only harness this talent in some sort of useful manner, I think I might take over the world. Or at least win "America's Dumbest Talent Competition" thus earning myself a trip to space camp and a life supply of Bertoli frozen pasta dinners. Neat.

** HAHAHAHAHA I had to add that upon further investigation, I discovered the tagline for the movie "She's Too Young" is "To fit in, you've gotta put out." And as for memorable quotes? The studly/slutty male in question in the move says: Stick em all, because chances are I have.
Why did I ever consider giving up on daytime tv??? Back to the couch.

But I Don't *Want* a Pink Jersey!*

So being a Blackhawks fan is going well so far. The games are fun, the boys are playing well together, and I enjoy a weekly excuse to eat junk food. But there's a problem. Not an earth-shattering problem, but still, something that just flat-out pisses me off. I can't buy a Blackhawks sweater. The cool one with stripes and the old school logo. I mean, I can. I can buy one. But not one that fits. Because the only shirts or sweaters made for women are pink. Or have sparkles. Or are pink WITH sparkles. Barf.

Let's go over this, shall we? I am sure there are some women who like pink, and who want pink jerseys and hats and temporary tattoos and whatever else. BUT NOT ALL OF US DO! Just being female does not mean I like pink, or sparkles. And you know what? I do like sparkles. But not on my hockey jerseys! Is this really too much to ask of the team I support at every home game and watch on television? Just for them to get Reebok to manufacture women's sized jerseys and sweaters? I don't think so. I am sick of having to buy large or extra-large kids merchandise so that I don't have to wear pink. I refuse to spend scads of money on a men's sweater that will just look ridiculous on me. So here's a solution: recognize your loyal female fans. Make apparel for them that is comparable to the apparel you make for men, only make it in sizes we can wear. You know what that gets you? Happy season ticket holders who spend LOTS of money at the team store. And more women who wear their Blackhawks gear out in public because it actually FITS. And me to stop ranting. See? It's a win-win-win.

*I do, however, really like pink cupcakes. And pink champagne.

Oh, and go vote. Now that my rant is over, I am off to the polls!

WSotD - Cardinal Edition

Lots has been going on in my life. But I haven't felt like writing about it here. And I haven't felt like writing inane posts about everyday occurrences like I usually do. But it is almost my favorite holiday, and my costume is fantastic, and I have a new job, and I am recovered enough to run again, and, well, I guess I am ready to write again. And to get back into it, I give you a brand! new! WSotD. 'Cardinology' is finally here - and though I heard a few songs in Cleveland, I am looking forward to listening to it over and over again and falling in love with it like I did with the rest of the Cardinals' work. And this particular song was one I loved and subsequently learned I had misunderstood the lyrics to - and now that I know the true lyrics, it hits me in a whole new way. So here it is, and I am back.

What makes them walk away, after all these years?
These years of learning it the hard way
By the lessons from the tears
I know it’s not a game
But it feels like losing when someone you love throws you away
I’d fix it
I’d fix it
I’d fix it
I’d fix it if I could
And I’d always win
I’d always win
I always win the in end
How easy was it for you making those plans you made?
Before I became something for you, you know to dislocate
I know it’s not a game
But if feels like losing when
Someone you love throws you away
I’d fix it
I’d fix it
I’d fix it
I’d fix it if I could
And I’d always win
I’d always win
And you would always lose
Look what I did to you
Look what you did to me
Fixed it
Fixed it
I'd fix it if I could
And I’d always win
I’d always win
I’d always win in the end

Chicago Marathon!

I did it! My legs are still ridiculously sore, and I look like a gimpy giraffe when I am forced to walk down stairs, but the bottom line is I finished my first marathon. My original goal time was 4 hours. The week leading up to the race, however, I was pretty sick, spent lots of time sleeping, and lost about 5 pounds, so I adjusted my goal to simply finishing. Also, race day was pretty warm, and since the organizers think 8 am is a more reasonable start time than 7 am (hint, it isn't. pleeease start the race earlier!), you end up running in the hot sun for the toughest part of the race. Anyway, I slowed my pace to compensate for how freaking hot I was and ended up finishing in 4 hours, 30 minutes. I am really excited to be finished, and I will definitely train for another marathon soon. I would really love to accomplish my 4 hour goal! Many thanks go out to my friends who came and cheered me on, to my mom who flew out to Chicago just for the race, and to my sister (an Ironman triathlete) who gave me fantastic training tips. If you are thinking about running a marathon, I highly recommend it, and I wish you the best of luck! Thanks out there for all of the support leading up to the race!!!

I think I waited too long . . .

. . . to post about ACL, Ryan Adams, and Boulder. But I don't have internet at my house and finding time to post has been difficult. So here are my shortened updates on the past week of my life:

ACL
* ACL is like Lollapalooza - but not. It is much less spread out, you can actually see every single act that you want to. That also means there is more noise bleed, and you have to make sure you are perfectly positioned between the speakers at each stage. All in all, ACL is much more laid back, with a slightly older crowd and fewer people who were absolutely wasted. And now for my favorite bands:
M. Ward, Mason Jennings, Swell Season, Vampire Weekend, What Made Milwaukee Famous (they totally redeemed themselves from their Lolla performance), Foo Fighters, Raconteurs, Black Keyes, and lots of other little bands that I marked in my little guide that I don't have with me. It was a blast.

Ryan Adams
* So if you ever read this blog, you know how much I love the genius. Eddie and I went on an adventure to Cleveland (since Ryan didn't come to Chicago for this tour) to see Mr. Adams and his merry band of Cardinals. What can I say?? I cried through the whole show. It was that good. He played almost 30 songs, mostly from 'Cold Roses,' 'Easy Tiger,' and oddly enough, 'Demolition.' His new songs are amazing. He is no longer the infamously erratic performer people might remember - he appeared to be in a great place artistically and simply got on stage and played his heart out. And I cried. And it was perfect.

Boulder
* Well the Buffs couldn't quite keep up with those Texas boys, but I was proud of them nonetheless. And Boulder is still a magical place for me. I always feel happy when I am there, almost like I am home. The mountains, the funky people, the beautiful campus - it holds a very special place in my heart. Aside from one awkward moment when EVERY boy I dated in college was in the same freaking bar at the same time, I had a blast seeing old friends, drinking at my favorite bars, and topping off the trip with Cosmo's pizza, YUM.

And now I am off to retire on my couch. I picked up a cold that I really need to shake before the marathon. The marathon that is on Sunday. I am nervous. So I am off to hydrate and consume vast quantities of any cold medicine I can get my hands on.

** Sidenote: Doesn't the medicine "Abilify" sound like a word Charles Barkley would use?? "He can abilify his team to do great things. Man, I admire that abilify." OK, it totally does. And the commercial always makes me laugh.

October Blog Book Club Pick and Other Things

Alrighty Daisy blog regulars, welcome to my little blog. I am about to dash out the door to go see the one and only RYAN ADAMS but upon threat from Daisy of great bodily harm I figured I should post my book club pick first. I had an incredibly hard time choosing a book that I thought a majority of people would find interesting and such. I like reading random educational-ish books for fun because I am an unabashed dork, but I ruled those out for the rest of you kind people. And my two favorite fiction books are "The House of Mirth" and "Anna Karenina" neither of which are particularly light and I think I would hear audible groans from the blogosphere if I picked one of those. So, after all of that explanation, here it is. I ventured away from the fiction genre to pick a book that I read last summer that really captured my interest and stuck with me for a long time. And I re-read it to make sure it was as good as I thought, and it is. Don't be put off by the length, it sucked me in right away and before I knew it I was finished (seriously, like 5 days and I was done). And since it is almost Halloween (my favorite holiday of the whole entire year) I wanted something that had sort of a creepy factor - this for sure does. So. The October book. "Strange Piece of Paradise" by Terri Jentz. Without giving anything away, I can tell you it is her true story of recovering from being attacked by an anonymous guy with an axe (yeah, an axe). It weaves together several of my interests - a good story, weird people, criminal law, mystery, and a dash of feminism. It should be quite easy to find and I really hope that you enjoy it - or at least find it interesting.

And the other things? Well, I have made the executive decision to not check my bar results today so that I can enjoy the concert. I may or may not check them before I go to Boulder so that I can enjoy homecoming. And I don't think I am going to post my results here because, well, I don't want to whether they are bad or good. So if you want to think nice thoughts for me that would be great and much appreciated and we will work from there.
Hopefully I can post a review of ACL before I leave for Boulder (ACL was freaking awesome, in short). Now I am off to see my most favorite musician in the world with my bestest friend, Eddie!!! Have a great day and let me know how you are enjoying the book!!!

Things that are Exciting (in no particular order)

1. I am leaving for ACL in 2 days. Yes, I already went to Lollapalooza and this is technically almost the exact same thing but whatever it shall be awesome. And I shall see Mason Jennings again. And he shall probably sound like Mason Jennings - again. And G. Love and Swell Season and Foo Fighters and, just, YAY.

2. Blackhawks season starts tonight. I will be forced to hobble up to my seat as I ran 20 miles yesterday. 20!!! Basically, I could have run out to the suburbs. But I hate the suburbs, so instead I ran up and down the lakefront path. And hockey is fun. Nope, that made no sense.

3. In one week, I get to see . . . RYAN FREAKING ADAMS!!! In concert! Close enough for him to sweat on me and/or notice me and decide that in fact he does totally want to hang out with me and perhaps drink coffee while playing me some songs. Yes.

4. After that, I get to go to BOULDER! For homecoming! And drink delicious Colorado beers and eat delicious Boulder foods and watch the Buffs! Playing football! YAY!!!

5. And when I return from Boulder (yay!) I am running the marathon, for which I am mostly ready but still somewhat nervous.

So, basically the next 2 weeks are going to completely kick ass. I won't be around much, other than to post the October book pick for the book club, but I will be having uber amounts of fun. And then I should probably try to find a job. But for now, viva la unemployment!!!

On hurricanes . . .

Don't misinterpret the following comments. Because I understand that many people have been simply unable to flee the path of an oncoming hurricane. And in NOLA during Katrina, there were clearly aspects of race, poverty, and social justice all at odds with the evacuation. And I am NOT referring to those who suffered (and are still suffering) the effects of that disaster.
I am speaking here of those who choose to stay in a mandatory evacuation zone in Ike's path; those who told reporters, "I've always wanted to sit through a hurricane!" or "Last time traffic was sooooo annoying, I would rather sit and drink a beer" or any other random reason that I saw listed by those interviewed who were capable of leaving, who knew Ike was coming and knew they should leave but didn't. And now they are waiting for rescuers, people who are busting their asses and risking their own safety to help those who could have helped themselves in the first place. It really pisses me off.
In AZ, in a posted "Flash Flood" zone, if you drive your car into a wash during heavy rain and get stuck, the fire department will still come rescue you. But you know what? They charge you for that rescue, because you risked your life and that of the officers who had to abandon the other things they could have been doing to save your dumb ass who went into a flood on purpose (and the people in the news helicopters will mock you, and me too).
So for those who wanted to party through Ike, and who didn't board up their homes and who needed to be pulled out of their own idiocy, I hope you say a big "thanks" to those working to help you. Because if it were me, I might kick you in the shins.

To everyone else, Murphy and I hope you pull through and wish you the best.

So Much to Say . . .

Wow, being out of range of any news, music, television, and people other than the river rafters for a whole week was a rather odd experience. I am just getting back into the swing of things and have so much to talk about!

* The Trip - I will start off by saying that I absolutely recommend rafting the Colorado to any of you delightful readers. It was amazing and I will post pictures as soon as I get the film developed. 8 days of crashing water and hot sun and being covered in sand and sunscreen all while seeing some of the oldest rock formations on the planet. I got to bond with my dad, set up campsites, ride scary-as-hell rapids, and eat camp food. Oh, and poop in a box. The box called Oscar. Let me just say, I never want to poop in a box again. It was simply uncomfortable to sit next to the river in the bushes with frogs staring you down while trying to "separate the functions" because no pee can go in Oscar. Ugh. But other than that, an awesome trip. My dad and I were the only ones who planned on doing all 8 days - after the 4th day the group stopped at Phantom Ranch and all of our new friends hiked out and we got a whole new bunch of passengers. The first group was mostly comprised of families and foreigners (the Germans were my favorite, and so efficient!). The second group was a rowdy bunch of middle-aged ski club people who were not my favorite but who were sort of fun I suppose. I pretty much hung out with my dad and the boat guides (one of whom was so cute though way too old for me and married, sigh). When I post the pictures I will for sure post more stories from the wild.

* The Buffs - I missed both of our first two games due to my trip, but we are 2-0, YAY!!!

* The Book - I finished the blogger book club pick "Beach Music" and will send my review over to Daisy/post it shortly. The book sort of drowned in the river which is too ironic for me to handle.

* The Pick - On our way up to Lee's Ferry, my dad and I heard about the Palin pick on XM radio. I have so much to say about this pick, but I will keep my initial thoughts brief. First, I totally called it - I predicted McCain would select a female VP candidate to bolster his (undeserved) "maverick" reputation. Second, she completes the most anti-choice ticket in recent memory, being against abortion even in cases of rape or incest. Should make for great SCOTUS picks if they win, no? Third, to all of the commentators who think Hillary supporters will now shift to McCain because he picked a woman, you are freaking idiots. Hillary supporters will recognize Palin's anti-choice credentials, and her conservative stance on other issues and will not just blindly vote for her because she is a woman. Also, can we stop using the gendered stereotype of the "bitter, vindictive" Hillary supporters who will turn their backs on democrats simply because they didn't get their way??? Former Hillary supporters will make their choices for many reasons, not because they are bitter, angry, petulant women. K, thanks.

Phew, so I guess that's it for now. I look forward to returning to Chicago for my fabulous fall of fun. Oh, and this was my 100th post, so I am doing a little "Yay for my 100th blog post" dance out here in AZ. Glad to be back.

Happy Camper

Tomorrow I am off for an 8 day adventure on the mighty Colorado. My dad and I shall join a group of other intrepid rafters and sit through freezing water, blazing sun, and nights full of bugs. Sounds fun, I think. All I wanted in my post-bar trip was a total escape from my everyday routine, and I think this completely fits the bill. Murphy will join the puppies over at the Eddie/Haswoe household, and I shall sleep in a tent.
I admit, I am a tad nervous. But I completed my pre-trip awesome shopping trip and am now the proud owner of lime green hiking sandals (you know the type, with the protected toe and the mesh webbing, oh joy), a plaid button down with western-ish designs, pants that have zip-off legs, and a Jurassic Park/Indiana Jones-esque hat complete with a drawstring. Eddie almost collapsed into a heap when he saw my outfit, and my dad was definitely chuckling when I described the get-up over the phone. I also got all sorts of bio-friendly shampoo and such. So basically the trip was an opportunity for me to go shopping in a camping store rather than at a shoe boutique. Loves it. (Oh, and for those of you seeking the infamous body glide in a small travel size? REI carries it, and a formula with sunscreen, as well. Hooray!)
Anyway, have a fantastic labor day holiday, and I will be sure to bring back lots of camping stories and probably some mud from the river, apparently it is a tad dirty. Who knew?

And a couple of extras . . .

Daisy had some great tips for all of you excited 1Ls, but I thought I would add a couple of my own, things that I wish someone had told me right about now.

* 90% of you are not going to be in the top 10%. Deal with it. Those are your odds, and no matter how great you were in undergrad, there is a really good chance you will be merely average in law school. The good news? It is entirely possible to raise your GPA by an entire point or more after first year. Trust me, I did it.

* When you get the speech about doing your bar application over your first winter break and locking in the low fee and getting it all out of the way, LISTEN. It is much better to get all of that information together over the break than it is to do it your last semester when you are working and burned out and whatever else.

* There will be one or two people who seem like they know everything and make amazing comments in class and yadda yadda. Trust me, they aren't the ones getting A's. We had "that guy" in our section and he was never on the dean's list. However, the quietest 2 kids in class got every CALI award offered. Bottom line? Don't be intimidated.

* Find the best way to take notes/outline for you. Don't worry that your friends do it a certain way or that their older brothers told them how to outline, etc. You don't have to underline in red and highlight and blah blah. Just find what makes you happy.

* That suggestion about not working first year? I would listen to it, if you can. I worked 3 nights a week and it was TOUGH, but do-able if necessary.

* Think long and hard before getting a dog. I know I did it and it worked out well, but a lot of times it realllllly sucked, and you don't want to be that asshole that takes your dog to the pound because YOU couldn't handle the responsibility.

Other than that, you will muddle through. Seriously, if I can do it, I am sure you can. My final word of advice, make time for fun. Make time for your friends who are not in law school, because they will keep you sane. If all you have is studying, you will go absolutely nuts. And that's it. Good luck!!!

The Murbil

I pretty much think Murphy looks like just about any other animal with big brown eyes that you can imagine. He has these funny whiskers and a skinny tail, so he kind of looks like a gerbil. But then he looks up at you with the sweetest face and such huge eyes and you think, wow he really looks like a cow. And after watching way too much daytime tv today, I have decided that Murph looks like a polar bear. So can we stop having the commercials where the polar bears are stranded on ice floes and can't find seals or land and drown because that makes me think of Murphy not being fed and being lost out in the wild and then I start crying and have to give him lots of hugs and treats. Okay WWF? Can we be more inspirational please? I mean, you did good things for the pandas, they seem to be doing ok. So let's talk about the good things we are going to do for polar bears so that Murphy doesn't get fat from treats. Kthanxbye.

Update - SHGG

Now has another G to his name. Yup, SHGG is gay. But still super hot. So I suppose I can still check him out while on the treadmill, right?

Sigh.

Lollapaloozled

Thought it was about time to give a run-down of my incredibly fun, hot, sweaty, twinkie-filled Lollapalooza experience.

Friday:
I went to see 'Dark Knight' again, so I missed most of the first day. But I did catch some great music. I was pretty bummed to miss the Black Keys and the Raconteurs - by all accounts they put on great shows. But I definitely had fun bopping along with Bloc Party. And staying at that end of the park meant I had a primo spot for Radiohead. Their performance was ridiculous - the light show was incredible. I would have liked to hear more of their older songs, since I really wasn't familiar with the new album, but all in all it was amazing.

Saturday:
Eddie joined me for the day and after brunch we started out seeing Mason Jennings.
AH: He sounds familiar, like someone I have heard before.
Eddie: Bob Dylan? (and yes, VERY Bob Dylan-y)
AH: Well yes, but also like someone else who sounds like Dylan.
Eddie: Mmhmm *rolls eyes*
Next song starts
AH: Oh! I know! He sounds like himself! I have heard this song before!
Eddie: Sigh.
We listened to a couple of Dierks Bentley songs and discussed how much new country sucks, then heard a few songs over at Steel Train - fun and nice to sit in the shade but not particularly memorable. At this point, we had counted about 25 people wearing Rage t-shirts (yes, we were keeping track. It is incredibly lame to wear the t-shirt of the headliner, people. Seriously.) and we moseyed over to MGMT who everyone seemed to be excited for. I wasn't all that impressed, but others appeared to be having fun. Lupe Fiasco was, well, dull. The performance was high energy but I just didn't enjoy it. The Toadies were also pretty meh, but we were positioning ourselves for Rage's performance so we stayed put. And then they started. And stopped. And started, and stopped. Apparently the crowd up front was just insane - but Eddie and I decided that rather than wait for them to calm down, we would sneak over to the rest of Wilco's set. Good decision. They were super fun and much more mellow and it was a great end to the night.

Sunday:
I walked over by myself and was totally drawn to the sound of the Blakes. I wish I had heard more, but they started my day off right and were a great rock band. Wild Sweet Orange was next, and again I was pleasantly surprised and I kept texting Eddie about how great these two bands were. What Made Milwaukee Famous? Certainly not the band, and the Weakerthans canceled, so I bounced over to Tally Hall - a group from Michigan who reminded me of Weezer's Buddy Holly video - all wearing skinny ties, fun music, and I regained my cheer. Over to John Butler Trio - which was so freaking good. Think the guitar of Tim Reynolds with the pep of more upbeat G Love songs. I was hooked. The vibe at this end of Lolla was really relaxed and fun and I was having a great time. Then I started getting these odd texts from Eddie asking where I was, and he showed up to surprise me, beer in hand. Turns out someone had flat out given him a wristband, so we got to listen to Iron & Wine together - super mellow and fantastic. Blues Traveler was next, followed by Gnarls Barkley. I am not a huge fan of either group, but they both performed with lots of energy and were ultimately really great to watch. I wanted to see the National, but getting back and forth across the park was getting tough so instead we drank beer (and bottles of wine, that may have been a mistake), listened to an interesting Ryan Adams cover, and waited for Kanye. Say what you want about his attitude, but the man is a fantastic performer. It was a great way to close out the weekend - high energy, all of his hit songs, and no bullshit. Very fun.

So, all in all, I had the most fun on Sunday, and would totally do it again. The high point? Discovering deep fried twinkies. Yeah. They were freaking amazing. The low point? Port-a-potties. Enough said. Next time I think I will do a better job of hitting up more performances, and there's always Austin City Limits to look forward to!!!

Can't wait for August!

Ok so usually horoscopes are kind of wishy-washy and rarely are they specific. "You will do well to watch your finances this month and be kind to your friends" or some such crap. Really? I should watch what I spend and not be an asshole? Great, thanks. Actually, the Chinese horoscopes on Facebook are quite good - well, once it told Eddie that he was going to break his femur, which was odd, but super specific, right? So as I was getting my Bobcut today, I read the crappy magazines at the salon (Bobcuts take about 3 hours. I have a lot of hair and bleach takes some time.) and lo and behold my awesome horoscope for August:

You will have a sexual encounter of the "shock and awe" variety.

Thanks Marie-Claire. You.Rule.

WSotD - "a Song that Really Needs a New Title" Edition

I can't believe this song has never been a WSotD before. Seriously. I heard it while I was not studying and getting a manicure (random, right??) and thought to myself, "OMG this is the best song ever, and it SO needs a new title." Because the current title makes it sound sweet, and loving, and well, a bit creepy. Because "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You" - well, really? I mean, don't you maybe want to take a break and have a sammich? Or go to a movie (like Batman? Which was freaking amazing!!!)? Or take the dog out? I mean, that is a whole lot of love-making. Anyway, here it is, my comments included.

It was a rainy night
When he came into sight,
Standing by the road,
No umbrella, no coat.
So I pulled up alongside
And I offered him a ride.
He accepted with a smile,
So we drove for a while. (Well, that's kind. I mean, stupid, but kind. he could be an axe murderer, or that guy from the Lifetime movie who assaults the nice woman who picks him up and then she is inexplicably pregnant later and her friends wonder why she never mentioned the attack and it is a MESS I tell you . . . ahem, moving on)
I didnt ask him his name,
This lonely boy in the rain.
Fate, tell me its right,
Is this love at first sight? (Love? Really? Oh, I see where this is going. Hmm, not sure it's a great idea, but carry on)
Please dont make it wrong,
Just stay for the night.

All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will
You want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
Ive got lovin arms to hold on to (OK, clearly, this is where the song goes awry. I mean, sex and making love are not the same thing in AH's book. Shouldn't the actual verse go something like, "All wanna do is f*ck your brains out, random stranger who I don't know or love but who is apparently hot and sort of emo"?? I guess she wants to avoid the judgment that would come along with such a statement, but it seems more accurate to me.)

So we found this hotel,
It was a place I knew well (Oooh, not the first time you have picked up a lonely emo boy? You minx you!)
We made magic that night.
Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me,
So many times, easily (Ah, appealing to all the ladies in the world with the random stranger who is gifted in talents of the multi-O. Loves it.)
And in the morning when he woke all
I left him was a note (And what did you say? Order room service on me - I hear the blueberry pancakes are phenomenal? Thanks for the lovin', now you are stuck in some random motel, be out by noon?)
I told him
I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden
We planted a tree (Oh. That is a rather stupid note. I mean, I think that is what people used to tell their kids when they asked where babies come from. I got the book "Where Did I Come From?" which is a phenomenal book with hilarious cartoon people. I freaked out my older sister's boyfriend by giving it to him to read while he waited for her to get ready for a date once - I was like 3, so shush . . . but I digress)
Dont try to find me,
Please dont you dare
Just live in my memory,
You'll always be there

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
Ive got lovin arms to hold on to

Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers (LIKE strangers? I mean, don't you mean AS strangers? No? Okay . . .)
All night long
We made love

Then it happened one day,
We came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own eyes
I said please, please understand
Im in love with another man
And what he couldnt give me
Was the one little thing that you can (Ahhh it all comes together now! You didn't just want a fling, you also wanted a sperm donor! Well I mean, that really changes the lyrics. Now it should go something like "All I wanna do is get preggers but the other dude is shooting blanks so can you help me out in this dirty motel it will make a great story for the kids" or something. Maybe something a tad more romantic?)

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will, you want me too

All night long
All night long
All night long
All night long

Phew. I mean, pure lyrical genius, no? That is the kind of song you can absolutely belt out whilst driving along a rainy road, hoping you won't see some creepy hot stranger on the side. Because if you do, KEEP DRIVING. The stranger in the song may have been nice, but I am thinking 99.9% of the time you are going to end up with a total weirdo and the only thing you will have to remember from the experience is some sort of nasty rash. Ew.

Happy Burphday!

Today is Murphy's 3rd birthday. He doesn't really seem all that fazed by the whole experience - in fact, he is pretty much just snoozing on my shoulder, getting fur all over the back of the couch. He is such a spoiled little mutt. But for the Murph I shall take a few minutes away from studying Contracts (don't EVEN get me started on the Statute of Frauds, why does everyone else seem to understand this? UGH.) and tell the blogosphere about my adoration for my pup.

Murphy came to live with me one fine week in September of 2005 (my very first semester of law school). I was supposed to be "taking care of him" for one week until he was sold at a fundraiser (puppies make tons of money at those things). I was pretty excited, since lab puppies are freaking adorable. I didn't know what color or gender he would be, so I decided to call the new pup "Murphy" because it popped into my head and seemed like it was a good "all-purpose" name (I should have known then there was no way I was giving him up). The poor thing was completely terrified and discombobulated - he missed his 10 brothers and sisters and immediately latched on to me, never once letting me out of his sight. I had so much fun taking him out for his 2 am walks, getting him a crate, watching him tear every blanket into shreds, etc. all while trying to figure out the ins and outs of CivPro. At the prompting of Daisy, who promised ever so earnestly that she would help with the puppy-raising, I promptly gave the folks running the fundraiser some cash to keep Murphy off the auction block.

The first year was rough, I won't lie. Murphy was the most stubborn little turd about certain things (namely, house breaking - dear GOD he didn't understand that he was supposed to pee outside until he was almost 8 months old!). He shredded any towel, blanket, or pad you put in his crate, as if he wanted to lie on the hard bottom rather than have a nice bed. He ate my very favorite pair of winter boots, and would demolish any water bottles he could get his teeth into. He simply enjoyed ripping things to shreds, no matter how much exercise he had. He barked incessantly while in his cage or in the car, and delighted in yapping until I filled his water bowl, then flipping it over. In short, I thought I had made a huge mistake.

But then there were the adorable things. The way he fell asleep on my tummy every day. His cute face poking around the shower curtain (and the occasional giant puppy actually joining you IN the shower, just to make sure you were okay). The snuffles (basically poking you in the face repeatedly with his nose, he wasn't much of a kisser). His utter and complete fear of all felines and squirrels and Christmas decorations. And I just knew I couldn't give up on him, no matter what.

So here we are, 3 years later. I am done with law school (and soon the bar, eek). Murphy has grown into an outstanding, handsome, and wickedly smart dog. He reads emotions in an uncanny way, and understands so many words that sometimes I think he could talk if he tried. He knows to bring me his leash AND my gloves when he wants a winter walk and knows that I get one or two "snoozes" every morning so he has to be patient and snuggle for a few extra minutes. He thinks he is a lap dog, and gets fur on every surface possible. Murphy was one of the best things to come into my life, and has made me more compassionate and patient and happy to be covered in slobber and unable to wear white. So here's to the Murph, who certainly can't read this but is getting extra treats today - happy birthday, pup!!!

In case anyone still visits this sad, dusty little corner . . .

I am here. And fine, just busy with the bar (though I do not have laminated copies of outlines in my shower. I like showering in my shower, not studying). In other news (short news - my brain is pretty fried):

* SHGG totally purposefully did all of his lunges in front of me today whilst I toiled away on the treadmill. It was much appreciated. And he got a haircut, also much appreciated. WTG, SHGG.
* The people at the all-star game look even more bored than me. How sad.
* Bacon is good. Pizza is good. Bacon on pizza is fantastic but made me really thirsty all evening.
* Speaking of thirsty, Powerade Zero is phenomenal. Don't listen to what Daisy tells you - it is delicious. I cannot stop drinking it.
* There are at least 5 new SmartCars in my neighborhood, I feel as though we are being invaded. But they are pretty darned cute. Cuter than my soon-to-be-sold gas guzzler.
* Seriously, is this game still on?

That's about it. My life is currently running, studying, and walking Murphy - so my only observations come from those things. And being excited that Eddie and Finchy are moving here. And that we are getting hockey tickets. And that I am going to Lollapalooza and Austin City Limits. And on a river rafting trip. So actually, lots of fun stuff, as soon as this stupid bar is out of the way.

This game is never ending.

happy birthday, siiiigh

Yep, it's my bday. I get to take a practice multiple choice test all day. And then not have a party. And not get to see my family. And not get presents because I am really too old for that and I would rather do cool things than get presents (except that painting I asked aMOMymous for - it is rad). I have spent the last several birthdays vacationing in Las Vegas and San Diego and Scottsdale and having fabulous dinners and lots of family time, and I just realized I am grouchy because I really want to have dinner with my mom and dad and it isn't going to happen. And I want my birthday secret-recipe rum cake (ooh, maybe one is in the mail??) Sigh.

But I do get to be happy that Eddie and Finchy (or HASWOE, whichever) are moving here and eagerly await football (it isn't that far away) and all of the fun concerts I have planned to go to (instead of seeking gainful employment) and hang out with Murphy (who is being supremely awesome at the moment, so cute) and have more BBQs before the summer is out and go on vacation with my dad and finally run again now that my toe stitches are out. So I guess I don't get to be too grumpy just because my bday is going to be lame. But if YOU don't have to study for the bar tomorrow, go out and do something summery and fun. And if you are joining me for the lamest July 7th EVER, let's have drinks this weekend to make up for it. Yay.

Ooh Internets!

Yeah, I no longer have reliable internet in my apartment. And by that I mean that my friendly neighbor who used to have non-password protected interwebs now has some sort of uncrackable code and I may have to break down and actually pay for internet service but I kind of can't deal with that at the moment.

For those of you who participated in the Great Dress Debate (or whatever) - I wore the blue flower-y thing to the rehearsal dinner (even though Scuba Steve and I liked the other dress better) and the tan brunch dress to the brunch. I also wore cute heels to the brunch. Which was dumb, because I did this to my foot at the wedding:


Other than mutilating my tragic baby toe, I had a great time at the wedding festivities. Of course, Guy-I-sort-of-dated-and-who-moved-to-NY-without-really-telling-me (GISODAWMTNWRTM??) was hanging on his ex-serious-girlfriend the whole time and there were absolutely NO OTHER single people at the wedding, but I made the situation better by drinking several bottles of champagne and tearing off the top of my foot. And my speech was fabulous and I only cried at the end which made all of the other girls cry. And there was a dessert bar with "decorative" large sized creme brulees and I may have taken one back to my seat and devoured the whole thing but dammit I fit into my dress at that point so whatever, I deserved dessert. It was the perfect final distraction before this last month of bar review. So thanks for the votes, I will let you know when I get the stitches out (especially you Namby, who almost lost your breakfast at the sight of my mangled toe).

Democracy in Action

Well, not really. Because we are letting Eddie vote, and because the majority might not win, and because really, I just want some opinions because I am at a total and complete loss as to what to wear to my best friend's wedding festivities. Of course, the bridesmaid dress is set. And it fits, other than the shallow breathing I will be doing all night (I have a big ribcage, ok??). Behold, it is actually pretty cute:



Ok, so now for the other contenders. I need a dress for the rehearsal dinner and the morning-after brunch. And I need to look smoking hot, in a classy sort of way. So, help!

Worst.Movie.Ever.

Last weekend I went back to AZ to spend some quality time with my family. My mom was recovering from having her appendix removed, so I picked up a couple of movies that I thought she might enjoy. OK, one movie that was for her, and 'Batman Begins' for me (Christian Bale = YUM).
So aMOMymous and I settled in to watch '27 Dresses' - not expecting much other than a breezy romcom, just what we needed. About halfway through the movie, I could no longer contain myself and just started yelling at the screen. "Are you effing kidding me???" aMOMymous turned around and said, "Oh thank God - this is the worst movie I have ever seen." My sister chimed in and said, "yeah, I should have warned you that this sucks."
Now I have some pretty crappy movie taste. I own 'Like Mike' with Lil' Bow Wow, and 'Spirit, Stallion of the Cimmarron' and I can pretty much recite all of 'The Cutting Edge' - but this, this '27 Dresses' was simply too awful. I can't even touch on how horrid the acting was, and really, I wasn't expecting much, but at one point I wondered if the kid sister was on drugs because she kept twitching - I then realized it was her attempt at enthusiasm. But what really irked me more than anything else were the absolutely trite notions spewed forth about the "right" type of wedding and how important that ceremony is to all reasonable women.
Really?
The only character who questions the whole wedding industry and the commercialization of "love" is mocked and of course realizes that all he needed was the *perfect woman* - duh! See, this is why I think marriages fail. People are so in love with the idea of "love" and the perfect wedding that they forget all about actually having a relationship. You don't have to have a white dress and a diamond ring and an overpriced cake to be in love. And don't even get me STARTED on being "given away" - shudder.
I don't hate weddings. In fact two of my best friends are getting married this summer and I couldn't be happier for them - and part of the reason for that happiness is that I know they actually DO think about their relationships, and realize that the wedding is an important ceremony and recognition of the love that they work on every day. I just hate this movie for perpetuating this country's stupidest "norms" that are put into place to feed the giant wedding industry.
And? Who on earth would root for Heigl's character? No one is going to help you not be a doormat, sweetheart. So enough romcom's for me. I will gladly return to my animated flicks where characters actually have backbone and plan on breaking the rules rather than adhering to inanity.

And end rant - just warn me before I pick up another crap movie like this.

The Bobcut

For those of you who didn't already know, my hair has its own persona. And its name is Bob. Bob is generally unruly and uncooperative, feisty, and quite fun. We love Bob, but sometimes he needs some grooming. So today we wandered into a brand new salon because my stylist of the past 3 years up and moved to New York (I cried. And worried. Who would care for Bob???) So the color process went fine, basic bleach isn't all that tough - other than the fact that it burns my scalp and makes my eyes water. Then onto the new stylist dude.
He was a fun-looking guy so I was only slightly nervous when he told me what he was going to do and just started snipping. My theory of haircuts is pretty much, "eh, it grows back." Then, he paused, and said, "how do you feel about a swoopy tail back here?" Um. What? Murphy has a tail. 4th grade boys whose parents let them go to school grubby have tails. I *do not* have a tail. "Um, I don't think I like tails, thank you," I said politely, tummy churning a bit. Snip snip, chop chop - "Did I mention I am the maid of honor in a very conservative and fancy Chicago wedding in exactly 8 days???" I sort of whimper. "Oh no worries, you will look pretty." Snip snip snip. "How do you feel about a fade around the ear? Or a chunk carved out around your eye?" "Um, apprehensive?" Snip snip. Wanting to bite nails. A fade? Like Vanilla Ice? "So yeah I just got back from India where I had odd jobs as a fisherman and a motorcycle repair person and aren't people weird? Peace and harmony, shit man, it all makes me laugh." Um, what? Was that a sentence? Oh poor Bob, how I worry for you. I am going to look like a chunky Vanilla Ice and I just don't think I can deal with that while studying for the bar . . .
And then, I turn, I get the hand mirror, and voila, I look so fucking awesome. Way to go weird hair guy! Bob is certainly very happy to have new stories, even if unintelligible ones.

AH Tries to Cook

Actually, I am a pretty darned good cook. When I plan out what I am making. Otherwise I tend to have a terrifically random assortment of food products in my cupboard, which should surprise no one who knows me. So tonight, I offer you my delicious recipe for "AH Surprise" because I just ate it and it was yummy. And notecarding is boring.

*any veggies you have on hand (I always have frozen broccoli or spinach. They work. And if you happen to have a fresh tomato, it is yummy in this.)
*some form of beans (I like organic spicy black beans)
*egg whites (OK, so I am a freak and I don't buy whole eggs. You could use them, but I don't. About 1/3 of a cup of egg whites is plenty.)
* optional: cheese. I rarely have cheese on hand and this works with or without it.
Ready? Put frozen veggies in pan until not frozen. Add beans. After they heat up, add egg whites. Stir around until cooked. Top with chunky salsa. And here is where I will lose some people, but you can also put lowfat cottage cheese on top - it has the same effect of sour cream but more lean protein and is freaking delicious. If you can't get on board with cottage cheese then I suggest plain nonfat yogurt (with or without a little ranch powder stirred in. It's what I use instead of mayonnaise in everything that calls for mayonnaise.)

And there you have it. It takes like 8 minutes and gives you lots of veggies, fiber, and protein and is super filling and tasty. Now back to Civ Pro. Yay.

Wednesday SotD . . . Music-y edition

It was really tough for me to choose a song for this WSotD as I have been in a super music-y mood lately. But this song has been on repeat and in my head so here we go:

I'm holding here a book
Notable, but not the greatest
Stolen for me by the latest
In a long line of thieves
And I'm just about to drop it
Down that manhole of memories
When I realize it doesn't bother me
Like love's mementos usually do
And I look up to see who's different here
The latest me or the latest you

Course, you're the kind of guy who doesn't lie
He just doctors everything
Chooses some unassuming finger
And quietly moves his wedding ring
Who rewrites his autobiography
For any pretty girl who'll sing
But you can't fool the queen, baby
Cuz I married the king

And maybe it was I who betrayed his majesty
With no opposite reality
Like a puddle with no reflection
Of the sky or the trees
But after my dreaded beheading
I tied that sucker back on with a string
And I guess I'm pretty different now
Considering

I kissed you on the street that night
On the far side of four
But I didn't like the taste
In my mouth or yours
And ignoring the persona you wore for my benefit
For once I had the balls to call it
Just call it
But a lesson must be lived
In order to be learned
And the clarity to see and stop this now
That is what I've earned

And maybe it was I who betrayed his majesty
With no opposite reality
Like a puddle with no reflection
Of the sky or the trees
But after my dreaded beheading
I tied that sucker back on with a string
And I guess I'm pretty different now
Considering

I'm holding here a book
Notable, but not the greatest
Stolen for me by the latest
In a long line of thieves
And I'm just about to drop it
Down that manhole of memories
When I realize it doesn't bother me
And heartache not so dire
Cuz I looked up to see integrity
Finally won over desire

And now back to not studying . . .

OK fine, I admit it . . .

. . . wearing yoga pants to class is basically just cheating and wearing pajama-like clothing that elicits an "oh she must work out after class" rather than an "oh she is fucking lazy."

And both are true.

(ooh and my prize for being Eddie's 10,000th visitor is freaking awesome! t-shirt with skull design made up of little funny people? fantastic!)

Hooked

Long time football fan, brand new hockey fan - thanks to Eddie and Haswoe. So it was tough for me to see the Pens go down tonight. But I am *so* excited to be a fan of a team that showed so much heart through the playoffs - and Game 5 was probably one of the top 3 sporting events I have ever watched. So thanks Eddie, Haswoe, and the kids whose names I finally remember. Can't wait to see you all next season.

Swicroromssia!!!

If you frequent my blog, you may have noticed that Eddie and I have decided to root for Swicroromssia throughout Euro 2008. Well, since we are clearly creative and excellent humans, we created a line of Swicroromssia apparel that the whole family can enjoy (minus childers, obvs. erm, I had a design idea and Eddie surprised me by actually putting it on the interwebs!)!!

Behold, Swicroromssia!

Order today and wear with pride!

Eddie and AH . . .

. . . scholars of worldly sporting events. Or something. We decided we needed to pick teams for Euro 2008. And our discussion regarding who to cheer on went something like this:
Eddie: Boo, no England, they didn't make it.
AH: Um, I thought you didn't *actually* like England?
Eddie: I like their football team, just not the country or people.
AH: Oh (sort of ponders that but moves on). Well, we certainly cannot cheer for Italy. Or France.
Eddie: Noooooo.
AH: And we have to cheer for Switzerland.
Eddie: We do? But they are boring. I need drugs and or alcohol to cheer for them.
AH: They are stoic, not boring. And I was born there.
Eddie: Fine. And, um, Croatia? We can't cheer 2 host countries.
AH: Sure, though I appreciate Austria for its sheer randomness. Then comes the tough category, Netherlands or Romania?
Eddie: Netherlands are evil cheating bastards.
AH: Yeah, and I don't know where it is. Like Bora Bora.
Eddie: (rolls eyes at American educational system) So Romania.
** Now ensues a long discussion over whether the Swedes or the Russians have better names for their children. Russians win based on "Sergei," "Igor," and "Vladimir" - and because saying things with a Russian accent is fun, especially whilst drinking vodka, which is basically their Gatorade. **

So there you have it. We are cheering for Swicroromssia, and most likely making t-shirts with magic marker. Wow, I will do anything to avoid bar review.

The little things . . .

So bar review sucks, yada yada, but little things still make me laugh so they get shared with you lucky people. Whilst preparing for Crim Law review, I flashed back to our first year final. Daisy and I hated crim law for various reasons - me because the professor mocked me for going to Wisconsin and I am a BUFFALO not a Badger, and because he made some truly insensitive comments about rape law and you KNOW that pissed me off; and Daisy because um, she just did. So we never really paid attention and then along came the final.
We both finished in about one hour, walked out, and of course started discussing our answers.
Daisy: I wrote that putting a baby in a suitcase is probably illegal but that I wasn't sure why.
AH: I wrote that there was "probably some sort of gun charge" in the fact pattern, but that I wasn't sure what.
Both: Oh dear.

And? I am pretty sure it was the best first year grade for both of us. Maybe honesty and sheer dumb luck pay off, after all.

More Brilliant Bar Review Observations

Raspberries are not smelly. They should however be put into tupperware for transportation to avoid making jam in your bar review purse (yes I have a specific bar review purse. I like purses.).

I still don't know how to efficiently get home from class using the CTA because the "easy" bus only runs during rush hour. So I end up walking 6 blocks to another bus that gets me home. You would think I could figure out a better way, but walking beats notecarding so I probably won't unless the weather is awful.

Can't there be a separate Chicago bar review course somewhere else where we can relegate people who smooshed your heart into millions of little pieces that have yet to fully recoagulate? Methinks we could do that and save people some angst, thanks.

Oh, and I got suckered into buying "FitFlops" - the flip flops that are supposed to tone your legs as you walk. So you can have glorious summer beach legs after walking to your bus! Yeah, so far they are uncomfortable and not cute. Sweet way to spend $50. I should have bought nice champagne, instead. Bubbles make you forget you don't have model legs. It's a scientific fact. Well, it's at least as scientific as these stupid flip flops.

Observations on Bar Review - Day One

Wow, we really never talked about ANY of this in Torts. Maybe we shouldn't have spent 2 weeks on the McDonald's coffee case and 3 weeks on the "glory that is Ralph Nader."
Ahem, just a suggestion, esteemed pervy professor.

I think I shall start bringing offensively smelly lunches to class. I need some sort of entertainment, right??

The Rules

I haven't had anything to say for a long time, what with finals, Eddie and Finchy in town, family in town, and graduation. It was a bit overwhelming. Then I got a very special gift for graduation. See, my friends all know my general political and ideological proclivities. They know I am a feminist and that I generally disagree with traditional gender norms and find them to be either silly or downright insulting or somewhere in between. They know that I am single because, well, truth be told I am picky (and perhaps a tad difficult). And still nursing a smooshed heart back to health (it's kind of a process). So what is the BEST POSSIBLE GRADUATION GIFT to get me?

My very own copy of 'The Rules.'

If she hadn't been so sincere about it, I for sure would have thought it was a joke. "Congratulations on completing a rigorous academic achievement, now go be *really* successful and find a husband! Sure you're a lawyer, but you aren't complete without a man to take you to dinner!" Ok, ok, maybe that wasn't precisely what she was thinking. But that is what a book like that says to me. So, for future gift-buying for me, AH, just send champagne. Really. Murphy and I will be very happy with our bubbles and our crappy movies/television and our shiny new diploma.
And lest you think I was rude about it, I dutifully and graciously said thank you. Then I gave the book to my mom. She found it interesting. Sigh.

Your Wednesday Song of the Day: Finals Edition

Yeah, I haven't had time to write an intelligent post because I have been working really hard at procrastinating. So here you go, a WSotD:

Pay my respect to the company store
I ain't got no money don't want no more
Pay my respects to the company boys
now just move along
I worked hard for every little bit I got
And got lucky once on some advice
Met a dark haired girl that the Mississippi moon
Musta left by mistake one night
In a hurry, Lord
And that ain't the hardest part
The hardest part is loving
Somebody that cares for you so much

Promises don't pay cash at the bank
If they did I'm bidding your word
They couldn't pay me for the time that it took to write a check
To buy a babydoll for my girl
And I worked hard for every little bit I got
The things I got are gonna stay
and it's been flooding so hard on them company mines
That you know it's gonna flood someday
And you're gonna miss someone
And that ain't the hardest part
The hardest part is loving somebody that cares for you
And that ain't the hardest part
The hardest part is working and I've worked enough
I could stretch that penny like a silver line
Rolling through the pages of my life
Underneath your name where it's underlined
I've been turned around
I've been mystified by a true love
And that ain't the hardest part
Talkin' bout a true love
And that ain't the hardest part
And that ain't the hardest part
And that ain't the hardest part

Farewell to the Anonymous Anti-Choicers!

“Abortion is the ultimate selfish act. The legalization of abortion was followed by an [sic] sharp increase in illegitimacy, divorce, and crime. Once you devalue life, it’s tough to turn back. If you get pregnant, you knew how to prevent it. Live with the consequences.”

Ah, the amazing “anonymous” anti-choicers strike my blog again. I have let this little comment sit for awhile, but every time I log in it stares at me and I decided I needed to just deal with it and get it out of my life.
(1) “The ultimate selfish act” is, to me, imposing your value and belief system on every other person you encounter without taking a moment to learn anything about the person, about his or her wants, needs, or desires. It is ultimately selfish, not to mention foolish, to assume that your way is the right way for everyone. Which is why I believe in freedom of choice. (Make no mistake, “pro-choice” is not the same thing as “pro-abortion” - this apparently needs repeating.)
I am reading an amazing book right now written by a woman who had an abortion, later raised a child on her own, and put herself through medical school to focus on providing informed and respectful healthcare to women. I figure she knows *just a bit* about this topic. My guess here is that “anonymous” has not gone through these experiences, so I will refer to Dr. Wicklund’s thoughts on abortion as a selfish act:
Abortion is about life: quality of life for infants, children, and adults.
Why? She refers to her experiences with women she has seen in a clinical setting:
Never once did these decisions seem easy or casual. Every one was the product of tremendous personal struggle. Anyone who claims otherwise is very ignorant or unkind . . . The bottom line . . . is, “Women have abortions because they want to be good mothers.”
And yes, this makes sense. Women are best situated to determine whether they can handle a child physically, emotionally, and financially. They do not take the responsibility of motherhood lightly.

(2) We have gone over this. Abortion has not led to a sharp increase in crime - in fact, it can be argued that quite the opposite happened. Please show me the statistic that says abortions have caused divorce rates to climb. Just because the legalization of abortion has led to more abortions at the same time that the divorce rates in this country have gone up does not imply causation. If you believe that it does, then you probably think that increased sales of ice cream lead to increased murder rates. (Hint: look for another factor to explain the change)

(3) A few facts about “devaluing life“:
Between 1977-2005, “pro-lifers” have committed the following crimes (and many others):
7 murders
17 attempted murders
52 bombings
180 arsons
89 invasions
100 acid attacks
655 anthrax threats
146 cases of assault and battery
3 kidnappings
480 cases of stalking

(4) Knowing how to have sex does not imply a knowledge or a capability to prevent pregnancy. Schools teach abstinence only education that leaves students poorly informed about sex and contraception. Studies have shown that in these programs girls are disproportionately treated as the “gatekeepers” of sex - that is they are expected to say “no” while boys are encouraged or expected to push for sex. Girls are not given the tools to discuss sexual relationships with potential partners, or to discuss alternatives to sex or contraceptive options. So, it is rather glib to assume that because someone understands how to have heterosexual intercourse they also understand how to properly use a condom, a birth control pill, natural family planning, a diaphragm, or any other option that they never learned existed.
Finally, I would like to stress that my personal belief is that every child should be wanted and loved. A child should not be a “consequence” to punish sexual acts that some members of society deem to be wrong. Can you really say that you love and value children if you treat them as punishments to be doled out to irresponsible people? What kind of a life do you think an unwanted, unloved child would lead, knowing they were an unwelcome accident, a punishment for their parents? (This is not to say that every unplanned child is unwanted - there is a clear distinction. 50% of pregnancies in this country are “unplanned,” but not all of them are “unwanted.”) And don’t give me the run around of “oh, just give the child up for adoption.” Have you any idea how many hundreds of thousands of children are in foster care or state custody? Where is the clamoring for adopting them? Or, as I suspect, are they not the “right” type of babies or children for you?

I think I have been clear in answering these comments. I am therefore done posting comments that contain no legitimate facts and serve only to degrade women who make incredibly difficult choices to protect themselves and their families. If you care to leave an anti-choice comment, do me a favor and actually research what you are saying, spend some time volunteering in a women’s clinic, and understand that just because you have faith in a belief system does not mean that everyone else does, and does not make those beliefs hard and fast facts. Need some literature to start? I highly recommend Dr. Wicklund’s book, “This Common Secret” - go learn about the real women involved here before spouting off more anti-choice rhetoric to me.

AH Goes to the Gym

Turns out that when I am in a foul mood, I run really well. So I went to the gym to alleviate some stress, and observed the following:

*Remember SHGG? The one I refused to hit on because hitting on people at the gym is wrong (seriously, no hitting on gym-mates) but admired from afar? Well, he grew a shneck and is no longer remotely attractive. Plus, he was wearing a Michigan hat, and I'm more of a Big 12/Pac-10 kinda gal. Thus ends the saga of SHGG. Oh, and some advice Mr. No-Longer-SHGG: shnecks are really ooky, and some calf raises wouldn't kill you.

*Who the crap eats candy while walking on the treadmill? Someone apparently, seeing as how my cupholders were full of candy wrappers. Seriously folks, just 'cause you are burning calories at the gym doesn't mean that shoving candy into your face is a good idea.

*A fighting leprechaun tattoo on your calf is really dumb. I don't care if you went to Notre Dame. Bad choice. The.end.

*Racerback tank tops on men? Acceptable. Other forms of tank tops, especially ones with low cut sides, exposing your man boobs and really dumb tribal tattoo? Unacceptable. And on that note, man-shorts should be shorter than mid-calf and longer than mid-thigh. That gives you boys lots of options. Choose wisely.

*If you plan on taking an abs class, please refrain from eating something that will make you gassy beforehand. Whoever you were, Stinky, you made me want to barf. For reals. As if 30 minutes of crunches wasn't awful enough, thanks.

*And finally, if you turn realllllly red when you run, maybe bleached-blonde hair isn't the way to go. Yeah, I'm talking about me. I looked like a Malibu Oompa Loompa on the treadmill. Sigh.

I Used to Really Like SNL

There's a new movie coming out called "Made of Honor" - I liked it the first time, when it was called "My Best Friend's Wedding".

Um, I watched way too much SNL and Tommy Boy as a child. The.End.

Principles

So, Namby and I have decided that we are boycotting the summer olympics. Well, most of it, anyway. Because we have principles! Welllll, I actually really enjoy gymnastics (all little girls grow up thinking they are going to be some famous olympic gymnast, I am pretty sure) so I might watch that. Oh, and swimming. Anyone who grew up in AZ likes swimming. So I am boycotting like 95% of the olympics. But as Namby pointed out, due to some ridiculous time zone constraints, we can say we are watching none of it!!! And still be mostly telling the truth. So I am going with that. Yep. Oh and, UNC, really??? Thanks for nothing.

Translation . . .

So Wal-Mart isn't suing the woman with traumatic brain injury for the money they paid out for her medical expenses anymore.
They said:
"Occasionally others help us step back and look at a situation in a different way. This is one of those times"
That means:
"This was a PR nightmare. We still want every dime of that money but people already hate us so for crap's sake we will go away."
The altruism of corporate America . . . blah. It's a good thing that I really like Target better.

A Wednesday Song of the Day . . . Brought to you by MoPo

Yeah, I love Maury. Love. And I have been in sort of a spring time funk lately, so I cheered myself up with Maury today. And there was this one guy who got all mad that his girlfriend made him fly 3 hours to tell him that their kid may be someone else's and the audience cheered. And I kind of wanted to tell the audience that had the guy NOT flown in they would all be out of entertainment for the day and would have to go back to their moms' basements and figure out something else to do. I just started 3 sentences in a row with "and" - so there's that. Anyway, who comes to Maury expecting something nice to happen? I mean, if someone asks you to appear on Oprah, then you can reasonably expect that even if something nice doesn't happen, at least you probably won't be taking a paternity test. But come ON people, you know that if you get a call to be on Maury you are either going to have some baby drama, an out of control teenager, or some weird makeover that often involves transexuals and trying to pinpoint the biological females (seriously). aMOMymous always gets annoyed that I watch this crap - but really, it is pure entertainment gold. Oh, I also really like watching infomercials, especially when they involve ridiculous kitchen gadgets. I feel like I am getting off topic . . .

Ok, so the WSotD is a blast from the past. I had a serious Dave Matthews addiction throughout high school and college. And I still get hankerings to belt out DMB tunes and I occasionally watch the random DVDs and movies I have of him (I never said I lived an exciting life, ok???). Anyway, most people have an aversion to DMB because they either think he sold out, or they heard too many frat boys trying to get laid to the strains of 'Satellite,' or because they are just sucky people. But I still love him and this version of this song is one of my all time favorites and it is spring and people are frisky and here it is (mostly, some of the lyrics are a tad muffled, but you get the general gist):

Who got you off when you got yours?
Who was the first to spill your soul?
Who got you off? Well, I'm the one
Dreamed of doing it day and night
Oh sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock and sweet you roll
Oh I swear over and over
It's you like a wave into me

When you come crash into me baby
Please come crash into me
Come crash into me
In a boy's dream
In a boy's dream

Who miss you all? what runs your way?
Who runs up side you and begs everyday?
Who's watchin' you through your window?
Night Comes
Who's celebratin' with the moon?
That you're like a wave come again

Come and crash into me, yeah baby
And I come into you
In a boy's dream
In a boy's dream

Oh now it's here I build my soul
I swear, friend, don't you know
I'm bare boned and crazy for you

Oh when you come crash into me yeah
And you come into me
And you come into me

Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show the world to me
In a boy's dream yeah
In this boy's dream

I'll be your Dixie chicken
You be my Tennessee lamb
And we will walk together
Down in Dixie land

Crash into me
Crash into me
Crash into me
Crash into me (you build up real big here)

Oh I wanna play with you

Your Wednesday Song of the Day . . .

. . . just-returned-from-spring-break-and-am-still-kind-of-brain-dead-edition:


Don't Comb The Leprechaun from Ryan Adams on Vimeo.

Celebrate Choice!

Today is National Day of Appreciation for Abortion Providers. It's the perfect time to send a note of thanks to the men and women who make safe, legal abortion a reality in this country. They go to work day in and day out - often in bullet-proof vests, through throngs of mis-informed protesters - because they care deeply about freedom of choice and women's access to quality, respectful healthcare. So take one moment out of your day to follow one of the links below and tell them "Thanks! We appreciate you!"

http://www.ppaction.org/campaign/appreciation
http://www.nafresources.org/petition.html

And in the same vein . . . for those of you who haven't heard about McCain's dismal history on matters of choice, I will post some information below. This presidential election is crucial for maintaining not only choice, but ensuring access to quality healthcare for women in this country. Take another moment to educate yourself about where not only the national candidates stand on healthcare issues, but your state officials, as well. And if you have one moment left after that, send those who support healthcare a quick thank you e-mail - they need to hear our voices of support as loudly as those who shout against equality and healthcare.

*McCain supports overturning Roe v. Wade, and has pledged to nominate justices who will do so, "given half a chance"
* he supports the Global Gag Rule - a funding provision that bars foreign family planning organizations from receiving U.S. funds if the group in any way advises clients on abortion as an option or advocates for legal abortion - even when using their own funds.
* he routinely votes "no" on measures that would PREVENT abortions - such as increasing access to and funding for birth control, and the quality comprehensive sex education programs that have been shown effective at preventing pregnancy and STIs in teens.
* when asked if contraceptive use can help prevent transmission of HIV, he said, "You've stumped me." (seriously? how did you get to be a candidate for ANYTHING with an answer like that???)

more info on McCain: http://www.sptimes.com/2008/03/09/Opinion/Why_McCain_should_wor.shtml

Why we still need Feminism . . . or, asshole commenters of the day.

So I usually have a policy of not publishing nasty comments because they don't add much to the general quality of my life. And I rarely get nasty comments - probably because most of the people who read this are my friends who don't say nasty things about me. But two recent comments have been irking me lately, so I thought I would just post them right up here.

The first, from someone who calls himself "Dude":
"You're so right that legal abortion and feminism has [sic] been great for our country. Think about what would have happened if Roe v. Wade hadn't occurred - illegitimate births would be 10% instead of 40%, divorce rate would be nowhere close to 50%, crime would be much lower (you know, that whole respecting life thing) and intelligent women would be having babies instead of us importing uneducated Mexicans to pay for our retirement. You're right, what was the "religious right" thinking?"

Ok, so let's take this apart section by section. First, I wonder where Dude got these statistics about illegitimate births. I don't like numbers that aren't backed up by non-partisan studies. So I am going to go ahead and toss that little factoid out the window. Likewise with the divorce rate comment. How does Dude know that legalized abortion has made the divorce rate higher? Or is that supposed to be feminism that created the 50% rate, I'm not sure. And if it is feminism that has pushed the divorce rate to 50%, what does that say about marriages prior to women pushing for equality?
And on to crime . . . again this speculation is not backed up by anything other than a glib comment about respecting life. Please point me to the statistics that show the steady increase in crime to which you are referring; statistics that control for socioeconomic factors, education, and violent upbringing in abusive homes, and that point only to how abortion increases crime. My guess is you cannot find such numbers. In fact my cursory research on crime suggests the opposite.
I respect life - enough to volunteer to give women education, the tools to improve and control their sexuality, to trust them to make the choices that are best for them and their families. I wonder if Dude volunteers. I wonder if his respect for life extends to fetuses outside of the womb - actually I don't. Because Dude makes it quite clear that he doesn't respect the "Mexicans" that we selfish, non-child bearing women import to do our dirty work for us. I'll bet Dude respects white male life above all else, but that's just an observation of mine, not a fact (see how I differentiate between opinion and fact there?).
And about those intelligent women not having babies. . . Let me make it crystal clear to you, Dude; I AM NOT JUST A UTERUS. Neither is any other woman on the planet, "intelligent" or not. I am a woman with aspirations, goals, ideals, friends, family - in short, a woman with a life who may or may not choose to ever have children. Not having them would not take away any of the qualities that comprise my humanity. I'll bet that's a tough one to wrap your brain around - the idea that women are people, too.
And that brings us back to feminism. Anyone who decries feminism either doesn't understand the concept, or doesn't like women. Feminism is the quest for equality in society for women - it is NOT about making women "better than" men. It is not about hating men, or getting rid of them altogether. It is the recognition that there are problems with equality between the genders in our society, and the desire to right those wrongs. What wrongs, you ask? Here are a few:
* Women with the same degrees and qualifications as male counterparts earn less in the workplace - a discrepancy that holds up even when controlling for things like maternity leave. This difference appears within one year of similarly situated men and women entering the workforce.
* Women pay as much as 3 times more than men, out of pocket, for healthcare - even for those services that are necessary for basic health.
* Between 1/4 and 1/3 of women will be sexually assaulted or sexually abused in her lifetime. Only about 1/4 of those attacks will be by strangers. More than half of those women will not report the abuse because they feel they will not be believed, and because the criminal justice system is set up to prosecute "stranger rapes" - ignoring the fact that most women know their attackers. In fact, the "better" a woman knows her attacker, the less likely he is to ever be punished for raping her. Every year, over a million women are forcibly raped by their current or former male partner.
* The number of women who have been murdered by their intimate partners is greater than the number of soldiers killed in the Vietnam War - approximately 1,400 per year.

And all of these are numbers you can actually confirm. Sadly, they are merely a few of the problems facing women in this country. And the picture is even worse when you factor in women from other countries. So, Dude, I am finished with you. Because I am confident in myself, I believe in the necessity of feminism, and such comments only push me to be more vocal about the challenges women face and to do my small part to work for solutions.

Oh - and if you were wondering about the other asshole commenter of the day, "anonymous" said I was an ugly bitch. Those who can't argue with logic turn to name-calling, I suppose.

I am not from Michigan.

On the heels of someone telling me that my hair reminded her of Emily Valentine:

I decided that I needed a re-style. So I went in to my super fabulous hair-person (seriously, she rocks) and we discussed our mutual girl-crushes on Agyness Deyn:

So now my hair is somewhere in the middle. Neat, no? And so long as I am pasting photos all over the place . . .

You knew it was coming.

Thievery.

I am blatantly stealing Daisy's "few truths and a lie" theme because I am somewhat bored and all of my post topic ideas are currently rather half-baked. So here goes, pick which one of the following IS NOT an accurate Anonymous Hottie factoid:

* After being grounded for life (only allowed to attend school events), and due to my secret (and unrealized) ambition to be a cheerleader, I auditioned for the role of my high school mascot. I got the role and danced around in a ridiculous mascot outfit at sporting events.

* My first "real" kiss happened when I was 15. I thought it was so gross that I broke up with my boyfriend and swore off kissing for 6 months.

* I was a member of 4-H as a child. My project (because you have to have a project) was my dog. I forced him to go to dog shows and do tricks and he looked utterly miserable at each event - which made aMOMymous laugh A LOT.

* I am an incredible klutz - I have broken off my two front teeth and had plastic surgery/stitches on my face twice due to random injuries.

* I am allergic to melon, raw carrots, and mold. I consistently re-test this allergy with raw carrots and melon, only to make myself very itchy.

Um, so there you go. In the words of Eddie Izzard, "all of this is true - yes." Well, except for one thing. Have at it!!!

A Dedicated Wednesday Song of the Day

I was tagged by The Commodore in continuation of the meme . . . but since I already took that stroll down memory lane, I thought I would post a Wednesday Song of the Day for him, instead. Now, since Ryan Adams *swoon* happens to be a favorite of the both of us, you might be expecting him to pop up. But I am going to pull a fast one on you all and post this instead, just because I like it (um, but Ryan is still my fave and you should give that link a gander - it's just about the sexiest thing ever):

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

aMOMymous

On the heels of discovering I never write about my family comes my first post about my mom, hereafter referred to as aMOMymous. aMOMymous is a very friendly lady. I am slowly evolving to pretty much look exactly like her (well, without her coloring) which I am fine with because she used to be a model and I think she has the best smile of just about anyone. So there's that. Oh, she loves Murphy and is horrible at telling stories (also just like me. seriously. awful at it.) and makes the best rum cake in the whole world (Daisy is constantly after the recipe, that and the "secret recipe cookie" recipe. Not.happening.). She likes to drink wine and jack & coke's and makes delicious popcorn for me whenever I am home. aMOMymous is also a very friendly designated driver and always shuttles me around when I go out with my former high school friends. She has an affinity for stupid decorations that involve barnyard animals but in a kooky way (who else has blown glass chickens in her kitchen? seriously?) and she is the only person who is allowed to buy me cow paraphanelia (I don't want to be that girl who everyone gives cow-themed gifts, but it is cute coming from her). In fact, she gives really weird presents in general and I always have to write a list out. Otherise I get things like pillows made out of my high school uniform skirt (this christmas) or weird Chinese costumes (last christmas). There are lots of other fun factoids about aMOMymous, but those will suffice for now.

Anyway, aMOMymous had a trip-and-fall accident this past weekend and ended up with 20 stitches across her forehead (that's another thing, we are both total klutzes) and she is feeling like a doofus, a sort of purple-y doofus - but is otherwise okay. I told her that she needs to tell people one of two stories:
1 - I went cliff diving and made a slight miscalculation of the currents.
2 - I was put in Tent City for the weekend and made it out alive (it's an AZ prison, sort of)

So send nice thoughts out to aMOMymous if you please, and go give your moms a call to tell them hello and other pleasant things. Moms are great. Yay moms.

Daisy 1 - Anonymous Hottie 0 (for now, anyway)

So I am conceding a point - which is rare, so take note. Anyone who reads this knows all about my love for random organic products - toothpaste, lotion, laundry detergent, Murphy's puppy chow, etc. So I convinced Daisy to get herself some aluminum-free deodorant - the kind that doesn't put icky chemicals into your pores. And smells like lavender! and lemongrass!

Welllllllll . . .

The aluminumy chemicals are there for a reason. Daisy complained that she smelled like a mixture of organic lemongrass and disgusting. Though I mocked her mercilessly and said she is probably just a smelly person, I think she actually may have been -SIGH- right about this one. 'Cause I smell like a mixture of aloe and sweaty aloe. So organic deodorant is off the table until they figure out how to make me smell like simply aloe. At least my breakfast yogurt came from happy, non-drugged cows???

Oh, and take note. According to Eddie, it is National Booooooo Week. I absolutely love this concept and will be participating well past this week. The first official boo? Goes to the guy who tried to "hurry" me through the crosswalk with his large car while it was about 16 degrees outside and I was walking my sweet pup. Not only did I give you the finger and bitch you the hell out, I am adding a booooooo to your punishment. And? You were ugly. So.There.

Yes it is late. . .

So it is 3:22 in the morning in Chicago. Why am I posting? To point out this ridiculousness.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080217/ap_on_re_af/bush_africa

Oh yes. Thanks for PEPFAR Bush. Thanks for subjecting women to husbands without condoms. Thanks for telling women they are worth less than men. Thanks for saying, "just get married in a Christian sense - even though that INCREASES a woman's risk for AIDS in Africa. Thanks for once again saying women in other countries aren't as important as Americans.

I hate you. Honestly, you pretend to care, then you put up financial roadblocks to actually being useful. Go fuck yourself. Usually I am more eloquent. But you are subjecting women to AIDS so that you can support gender norms. So you know what? I am done being polite. Blah.

The "V" in "V-Day" stands for "Vodka" - duh.

That pretty much sums up my feelings for V-Day, which is oh so close to VD-Day which makes me chuckle every time I think of it. I never said I had a sophisticated sense of humor, okay??? Oh, but Namby told me that I was not, under any circumstances, allowed to stay in bed all day drinking my martinis. Apparently doing so is "tragic." I asked him whether that was "Anna Karenina-tragic" or "Pauly Shore's career-tragic" and he said it was in fact "a baby seal caught in an oil spill-tragic." So, I suppose I have to venture outside and have my non-date with Daisy - woot!!!

And, I am oh so excited to get to participate in Grace's "post meme." Yeah, I have no idea what that means but I read hers and I basically understand the rules and she tagged me so here goes.
The rules:
Post about the meme and link back to the person who tagged you and go back to your archives and link to your five favorite posts. Link One: must be about family Link Two: must be about friends Link Three: must be about yourself Link Four: must be about something you love Link Five: can be anything you choose.

1. Family. Do I really ever write about family??? No. I just checked. I have mentioned my dad twice and other than that I haven't said a word. And neither of those mentions are all that memorable. So instead, relive the glory of my live-in family member, Larry.

2. Friends. Well, this is better. I have a few gripe-type posts about friends, but they don't really fit with the spirit of this little game. Um, apparently this actually isn't any easier - turns out I write about myself an awful lot. So I picked this example, because I pestered all of my friends to participate, and they did, and I appreciate it. Yes.

3. Myself. Well WOW this number has an option or two. But I think the drunk dance party best sums up she who is AH.

4. Something I love. Hmm. That's rather broad. Well, we just covered my love for drunk dance parties, which leaves room for this guy (I recommend clicking on the highlighted "cigarette" portion of the post) and this guy. Oh, and these guys (yeah, who has the 16th best recruiting class in the country? Oh we do? Fuck.Yeah.).

5. Whatever I want. Um isn't that pretty much the theme of my whole blog?? Anyway, I knew immediately which 2 posts I would pick for this. The shitstorm-starter and the one that cracks me up. Yes, I make myself laugh. If you don't, you must be rather dull.

Creating this little list has given me so many ideas for things I really need to start including. Yay. Oh, and Eddie? You're it!!!